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**-~Orange soda~-**
11 July 2010 @ 09:30 pm
Avalon is 3 and a half months old now...

As I type I hear the humming of the fans to cool the house, the soft static of the baby monitor, songbirds from the baby's bedtime nature sounds, and my precious little monkey-girl making cooing and gah-ing noises as she lays in bed trying not to fall asleep.

These are my evenings now. We just finished stories and a nighttime feeding in our gliding rocker upstairs in our little story nook. Before that we put on a fresh cloth diaper and pajamas after a relaxing massage with lavender scented lotion. This is what we do every night after I (mommy) gives sweet little Avalon Marion a bath in the kitchen sink at 8:30pm

Nothing matters as much as my little girl and I doubt anything will ever come close ever again. She is my entire life and my purpose for living. I sacrifice, I endure, I enjoy and I create...all for her.

Things between me and baby's daddy aren't wonderful....or great....or even that good really. We aren't "together" yet we are....I don't enjoy any of the benefits of having a relationship....no cuddling (with him), kissing, sex, compliments, etc....but he is supporting me financially right now....I am dependent on him in that way, and he and I share a house, and the most beautiful creation either of us will ever make...Avalon. I find myself longing and crying and lonely often...but she needs her daddy, and he needs her, and I need his help with money right now. He has been so gracious to allow me to stay home and care for our daughter while he pays my bills and works his butt off to take care of the three of us. I am grateful.

I stay home, we go on walks, we go to parks, we meet other mommies for picnics and board book exchanges. We change clothes about fifty times a day, we go through dirty diaper after dirty diaper, Avalon likes to spit up all over me when I let my guard down...its like she waits for it...I've had spit up in my hair, in my eyes, all over me....but not in my mouth yet...thank goodness. We've had poop everywhere, up her back, down her legs, all over her clothes, the car seat, the changing table, my hands....My mom has had it under her fingernails, the baby has had it in her hair and on her face. At least it doesn't stink because she's breastfed. That's a plus.
We went to the lake yesterday, and she played in the water for the first time in her adorable little tiny swimsuit.
She is smiling all the time, cooing and gah-ing and babbling away, and she laughs if you play your cards just right. She is so strong...she can stand up if you hold onto her, she can sit up too if you hold her for balance. She hasn't rolled over yet because she makes it very clear every time I put her on her tummy that she does NOT like that. Everyone says in about a month that will change.

I miss the relief that weed used to give me from anxiety and gloom. But the benefits of breastfeeding to the babe outweighs any jones I may have for it.

She has the most gorgeous blue eyes....I think they look like her daddy's, but they are probably a nice combination of mine and his.
She's got this silly little bald spot on the back of her head from sleeping on her back, I'm looking forward to when she gets old enough to where that will go away because she can sleep in different positions.

I wouldn't trade one second of any of this for anything else in the world. I've finally got what I always wanted from life....I'm a mommy and that is always what my heart has longed for.

Its not all glamor or fun but its worth every bit of the not-so-great that I have to endure.
 
 
Current Mood: thankfulthankful
 
 
**-~Orange soda~-**
29 December 2009 @ 05:24 pm
In the midst of week 29 now. Its hard to believe baby would have a 90 percent chance of survival outside of the womb if it were born today. WOW. Getting close.

Lots of movement now, its really amazing to feel its little kicks and movements.

Christmas was chaos but it was nice to be around family. Neil didn't come down with me, but that is ok it worked out fine.

Next month I start with the two week visits to my midwives. Today I had an appointment and she said the baby appears to be head down already which is great.

The hypnobabies CD tracks have been helpful in relaxing me, but I'm sure I could be taking them much more seriously and be practicing more and all of that...but it will all work out the way it should I'm sure.

Molly's old exercise ball is my new best friend and probably will be throughout the remainder of my pregnancy. It really helps with my back. I use it as a computer chair.

I'm sure I had more thoughts to share but they aren't coming to mind right now so that's all folks.
 
 
**-~Orange soda~-**
08 November 2009 @ 08:00 pm
well, just over 20-21 weeks now. I went in last Monday for an ultrasound appointment and got to see my little bundle of joy for the first time ever. I completely enjoyed every second of the appointment. I got pictures!!
Teeny baby in my bellyCollapse )

Photobucket

I went to a prenatal yoga class tonight, that was great and I hope I can make it to more of them!

Oh and my friend Lisa who I met working at Ruth Dykeman Children's Center in Burien just moved up here to Bellingham, so hopefully we will reconnect and I will have a friend around again!! Perfect timing with Jenna moving and all!
 
 
**-~Orange soda~-**
24 October 2009 @ 03:09 pm
18 weeks-19 weeks now. Just went in for another midwife appointment. The baby is great, the heart rate was 160, she said my uterus was right where it should be at this stage so I'm not carrying higher than normal anymore. Its right at my belly button. I go in on the 2nd for the ultrasound, I'm excited.

Neil has been having dreams about the baby and he said in all of them its a girl, that's the feeling I get from it too. But we don't know for sure so we're still excited for it to be a surprise.

I've got a boil or something to that nature on my inner thigh that has been bothering me, the doctor thought it was MRSA, she took a culture of it and gave me some antibiotic cream stuff. I got a call today saying that nothing horrible came back on the results so I guess that means it wasn't MRSA....*shrug* It has been really painful though, I'm looking forward to when its gone.

I had a migraine this morning...no fun at all. I was supposed to go on a road trip to idaho this weekend with Neil and Bill and his kids...but since I woke up with migraine symptoms I had to be left behind. I didn't think six hours in the cramped back seat of the truck with kids would be the best thing for my headache. I wish I could have gone. Instead I've slept pretty much all day up until now. I woke up to get some water to make sure I'm hydrated to help with the headache. But it seems like its going to be a lazy day. I hope tomorrow is better I have to make quince candy with Molly and have a ton of chores that really need to get done around here since I'm going to be home now.

Ok, making something to eat and then back to lay down until my head stops throbbing.
 
 
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
 
 
**-~Orange soda~-**
07 October 2009 @ 07:56 pm
17 weeks...saying that can be deceiving....after all, that means I am 4months and 1 week pregnant...however...if you count nine months and take away four that leaves you with five months and if you count five months from today it would lead one to believe I was due end of Feb beginning of March...when in reality what I discovered is pregnancy is more like 10 months...well 9 and a little I guess...because it is 40 weeks...now if you figure 20 weeks is half way...thats five months figuring 4 weeks to a month...and 20 more weeks would be an additional 5 months. However some weeks are a little over four weeks which in the long run adds about a months worth of weeks I guess.

anyways....yeah.

I talked with David Lawrenson today for the first time in forever it seems. Far too long. That man has an incredible ability to lift my spirits and make me feel like I'm on a cloud.

He called to check in with me and see how I was doing...we went through the list...how the pregnancy was going, how my relationship with the father (Neil) was and he threw in some well intentioned advice about relationship building and not stressing about all of it. And made sure to ask if he was a good guy. How I was doing psychologically (which he was very pleased to hear I was doing so well, he said he was concerned that something like a pregnancy would push me over the edge a bit but he was happy to hear it seems to have pulled me away from it instead. I agree). We talked about my grandma passing and where I was living and all of that hubub.

I got him to tell me how life was for him too. He is taxed by work, its draining for him and he still sounds pretty unhappy with his job. I wish there was something I could do for him. I hope things get better and he catches a break. But I was happy to hear that his kids are doing great and that he and his wife are doing much better than it seemed they were the last time we talked. His little girl is a junior cheerleader this year and he said its killing him!! haha. He bought himself a new car too...his dream car, which is good I'm glad he's pampering himself a little. A brand new dodge challenger. That's a HOTT car if anyone isn't aware!!

Ok then....that was the highlight of my day today. Oh I totally forgot it was my parent's 31st anniversary today. Mom said something to me about it while I was talking on the phone to her...I felt horrible, but told her happy anniversary anyways. Mann I have to remember things like that!

Still not really feeling the baby yet....every so often I feel something that I think is the baby but its not consistent or frequent.

A midwife appointment in a couple weeks. I will update what they have to say if anything important. And of course the ultrasound Nov 2nd. CAN'T WAIT!!
 
 
 
**-~Orange soda~-**
22 September 2009 @ 08:42 am
I've been a slacker with updating about the pregnancy....SORRY!! Lets see, I lost track of how many days along, I know I'm on my 14th week right now, beginning of the second trimester!! I'm 1/3 of the way through!!

On the 18th I went in to the midwife and got to hear my precious little one's heartbeat for the very first time! It was such an amazing experience. I can't even begin to describe the feeling! Neil came along...well I sort of dragged him really...but I felt like it was an important thing for him to experience too. He never mentioned how he felt about it afterwards though. I didn't ask.

The midwife said the baby and my uterus were higher than normal for how far along I am. But my mom said she carried both me and my sister high so maybe that's just how our family carries. The midwife wasn't concerned about it and she said we could just wait and see that everything was fine when we did the ultrasound...which is scheduled for November 2....it can't come soon enough!!!

The nausea has mostly subsided for me, I get heartburn a lot...hemorrhoids suck! Other than that, not a lot of symptoms. I'm starting to show a little, I can still fit in my regular clothes though. My mom and sister took me shopping when I went home last weekend and bought me two maternity outfits for when I need them. That was interesting.

Ok, I think that brings us up to date about all of it. :) I'm gonna have a baby!! :D
 
 
Current Mood: chipperchipper
 
 
**-~Orange soda~-**
20 July 2009 @ 08:00 pm


Baby roseCollapse )
 
 
**-~Orange soda~-**
18 July 2009 @ 05:27 pm
Been a while since I was in touch with the meaning of my back piece....I can never remember what they all mean so I wanted a refresher...here is the meaning of my tattoo and hopefully I will remember to read it several times so I can try to remember it for when people ask me.

The Jewel in the Lotus - The Mantra of Compassion

This is the highest Mantra for mankind
gifted to us by the thousand Buddhas
out of their compassion
for all sentient beings.

It will protect us from all harm ,
sufferings , ill health , hell regions,

It will purify us and free us from all our negative
emotions of the Mind and speech and through
this Mantra we receive the blessings
of the wisdom Mind of Arya Avalokiteshvara
who is also known as Kuan Yin Pu Sa.

This mantra saves us from the hell regions and
hungry ghosts which we have to encounter during
and after death.

Hence it is beneficial and a most valubale saviour
not only during Life on Earth
but also after Life , when we have to remain
and pass through the six Hell regions in the Bardos.

By saying this Mantra , you will never be born in the
lower realms . You will always receive a deva or
human body or be born in a pure land of Buddha.

Every time we say Om Mani Padme Hum ,
we invoke the Divine Powers of Avalokiteshvara ,
who has infinite compassion and who
out of his infinite compassion
made a noble pledge to Buddha Amitabh
that he will liberate all sentient beings
from the six realms of sufferings.

Each syllable in this six syllable Mantra liberates us
from one realm of suffering out of each of the six realms
of suffering filled existence.

OM liberates and purifies us from the emotions of
bliss and pride in the samsaric realm
of the Gods.

MA liberates and purifies us from the emotions of
jealousy and lust for entertainment in the samsaric realm
of Demi-Gods.

NI liberates and purifies us from the emotions of
passion and desire in the samsaric realm
of Humans.

PAD liberates and purifies us from the emotions of
stupidity and prejudice in the samsaric realm
of animals.

ME liberates and purifies us from the emotions of
poverty and possessiveness in the samsaric realm
of hungry ghosts.

HUM liberates and purifies us from the emotions of
agression and hatred in the samsaric realm
of hell.

In this way by freeing our consciousness ,
our spirit energy from the neurotic attachments
that our senses are bonded with through
the cravings and aversions constantly
taking place inside of us ...

and in this way creating negative karmas
that keep us bound to sufferings
and also creating samsara.

The mantra OM MANI PADME HUM
purifies us at 3 levels -

Mind, Speech and Body

and in this way liberates us
from all our negative karmas.

Within a short time of meditating on this Mantra ,
you will experience the opening and development of your
heart chakra and begin to feel highly kind and compassionate
towards other sentient beings including animals ,
even the tiny helpless ones .

You will develop a magnetic aura around you that will draw
other people towards you , attracting them like a magnet
attracts iron filings and love wlll begin to flow in your Life.

Saying this mantra for 21 minutes daily will energise and
develop your Heart Chakra and .....

when the Heart and Mind become united ,
anything is possible.

This Mantra is popularly known as

" The Jewel in the Lotus "
or
" The Diamond in the Lotus "
("mani" means Diamond/a precious jewel
and Padma means Lotus flower which is the
spiritual symbol of consciousness )

The Jewel refers to the Mind or consciousness and
the Lotus refers to the Heart that is the source of Love energy

The meaning of OM MANI PADME HUM is

"Om , salutations to the Jewel of consciousness (the Mind)
which has reached the Heart's lotus. "
 
 
**-~Orange soda~-**
10 July 2009 @ 10:32 pm
life fucking sucks.....


nobody cares....

so get the fuck over it Alisha.

Drown your sorrows and pain and loneliness in alcohol and let the anxiety go up in smoke like everyone else seems to be able to do and trudge through it until you're numb enough not to care anymore....
 
 
**-~Orange soda~-**
Fuck you.

Fuck you for making false accusations about things I have no involvement in because I haven't bothered to even give it the time of day...because ITS NOT WORTH IT.

Fuck you for pointing fingers at me and telling me I'm the one with the problem when you are being childish, immature and desperate and making every little thing an attack and about you...

Fuck you for thinking any of it will make me want to have anything to do with you.

Fuck you for thinking you're above it all when you're the only one who can't fucking let go and move on and live your fucking life.

I'm happy and content not talking to you at all and if that hurts then I can say I was sorry for it before, but now I'm just happy that I can just ignore all your shit.

If you love me do yourself and everyone else a favor and just be satisfied that I'm happy and leave me the fuck alone.

You've burned bridges with all your drama queen attention seeking bullshit. The internet doesn't care and I don't care.

This is the most attention you'll get from me behaving the way you are. after I post this, I wont think about it again for days...if at all. you can call me a bitch for it or whatever but its the truth and I don't care anymore.