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**-~Orange soda~-**
29 June 2009 @ 09:58 pm
life has been good, I seem to have kicked the crazies...once my long overdue period showed up my hormones settled back down to normal and allowed me to get control of things again....

people may discount my constant reference to woman hormones making me crazy but I honestly and sincerely think that is the source of the problem...maybe knowing that will help keep things controlled.

I'm going camping for independence day....I am super excited...I get to spend four days with Avery and Aubrey.....*squee* I couldn't ask for a better holiday. I adore them so much its ridiculous.

money isn't just laying around everywhere, but its not as tight as it used to be either....I've actually been able to afford to splurge on a couple things this month. I got a great new purse and I just bought a new swim suit....the first one in three years. :)

did I mention I'm going camping and I'm thrilled about it?! We are going to Idaho. I've never been to Idaho. I've been waiting all summer to go camping.

my family asked me to draw the design for the personalization of my grandma's headstone. There were a few things they wanted included so they told me what they wanted in it and I drew up a little design logo thing to put in the corner of it. A baseball, a football, a basketball, the Reggie-Burger man that is part of the L&M logo, and Yelm class of 1940.

I lost interest in updating...so, that is all.
 
 
**-~Orange soda~-**
17 June 2009 @ 10:44 pm
I challenge myself to be as I wish it in my mind. With the exception of a couple days last week and at the start of this, I have been able to remain optimistic and try to take on a learning attitude and remind myself the lessons I am learning....about addiction, about codependency, about who I am and what I need and what I have convinced myself I want and recognizing some irrational desires and some damaging thought patterns and whatnot....being conscious of them makes it at least more likely that I can conquer them...myself...and be one step closer to "fixed" or at least not as broken. I have also been able to pinpoint behaviors that I participate in that are doing me no good in my situation or circumstance, and have resolved to improve in those places that need said improvement....now the challenge remains in plodding forward when I reach the breakwater. In avoiding the whirlpool waiting to suck me back down....

I'm listening to sappy music....I don't have a clue why but it borders a compulsion tonight....I'm glad this doesn't happen often. heh.

I'm challenging myself to step out of my comfort zone into some social anxieties I will probably forever struggle with.....
expanding the friends that I let in....by putting more effort into my current friendships and trying to be more friendly-seeming toward those potential friends and everyday encounters....

....and a date.....*twitch* ugh...this one I just don't know if I want to go through with...its not the social anxiety of it per-se, though this is one of my big ones...but....its just that I don't see the point in the effort and I don't want to waste my effort anymore on these things when rejection awaits me 'round the bend...its waiting, stifling giggles, for me to step nearer that happiness I seek, to jump out and startle me, catch me off guard and knock me down then trample me in the stampede of those that have missing pieces of my heart....even still as I talk of it they ache like stitching that oozes with wounds that have yet to heal, tainted ever so slightly so they remain suspended on the edge of fester.....

Right now I'm still forcing myself to do it....but we'll see if I back down.

I'm going to learn how to make strawberry rhubarb pie. mmmm.

I'm reading Shakespeare's A Midsummer Nights Dream because I thought it fitting and enjoyable to read for midsummers night.
 
 
**-~Orange soda~-**
12 June 2009 @ 10:11 pm
I'm struggling.
I'm struggling with life though, not just this family loss.
Life is kicking my ass and kicking me in the stomach while I'm down too.

I know I'll get through it and all that bullshit, but today it has conquered. My mind is frazzled from the thoughts assaulting it all day long relentlessly without pause. I can't seem to sort through these thoughts either, they just keep repeating themselves as my mind tries to form some sort of cohesive understanding from the jumble. The thoughts trigger emotions and reactions and feelings and let me just say most of them aren't plesantries.

I've got to get myself together.
Nothing is as I want. sigh.

But I can't do shit about it right now so I don't get why I keep having to tell myself to just let it fucking go....and I keep telling myself that....I swear I say it every five minutes but no matter how many times I try to convince myself, I still fall back into it and thats bullshit.
I need to just let it go and release all the thoughts and expectations I have and just have nothing and start from nothing and expect nothing and want nothing and require NOTHING.

I miss Bellingham. I hope my plants don't die. sigh.

I like being around family or close to people who care about me and love me and I love and all that....but I miss Bellingham, I don't enjoy Yelm and I want to be back home.
 
 
**-~Orange soda~-**
09 June 2009 @ 10:50 am
My grandma died on Friday.
I'm ok most days.
This morning I'm not.
Its not just my grandma, in fact, a lot of it probably isn't that at all.
I had bad dreams, woke to feel alone even though someone was next to me.
That seems to be the case every morning with him now. He's so distant and cold,
but the evenings of not having to be alone keep drawing me back to his bed.
Its partially easier when he's gone because of that, but at the same time...
its so hard to spend so much time alone here. So many days wishing he was around to keep me company.
I've tried not to hold on to any hope of anything, to give up on wishing and wanting anything more...it all just feels hopelessly lost at sea.
between the way he acts and the things he says to me about it, its hard to think I should hope for anything from it.
I wish it were different, but wishing that will only make things harder.
I try not to.
This situation, and the one he's experiencing are only making it more strenuous.
This morning I was grumpy and sad and couldn't stop crying and being upset and moody. It made him uncomfortable and probably put another nail in the coffin of "us". sigh. I apologized but that doesn't make a difference when the damage has already been done.
Is it so much to ask to be wanted by someone I feel that for?
I'm so confused about what to do, how to deal with it.
I can't even think straight about it, I can't think straight about anything right now...
and my grandma is dead....
I can't think straight at all.
I'm worried about my mom.
I'm worried about my aunt.
I'm worried about my dad, who is taking it harder than I ever expected he would...
I'm worried about my grandpa the most...
he just lost his lifelong companion...
I wouldn't be as strong as he seems to be right now.
Everyone dies, its part of the great cycle of life and its woven into the fibers of the universe and fate.
Why is it still so sad though?
And why does the support I have never feel like enough?
I'm learning about energy addiction. I remember now.
I wish everything was just ok....like its supposed to be. O-K.
if I let myself get sucked into this hole of misery that is waiting for me at the bottom of all of this its only going to make things darker and sadder and more painful and lonely and it will drive him away even more (though I can't imagine him getting much further)
but I seem to be an expert at that.
I don't even have any pictures of her here.

I got to ride a motorcycle yesterday afternoon....it was one of the neatest things I've done. I enjoy it SOO much. It was a curious combination of terrifying, exciting and calming all at once. It reminded me of being on a sea-doo but faster and more dangerous to fall off of. Corners were one of my favorite things, we took Chuckanut drive at sunset and it was beautiful and amazing. I really liked riding at nighttime too but I need to dress warmer next time for that.
 
 
**-~Orange soda~-**
02 June 2009 @ 08:49 pm
ok so it has been a whirlwind of emotions and hormones and changes and stress and work and play and tears and sweat.

Here is what I am learning:
I am learning about addiction. I am learning the importance of being capable of "happy" while away from my "other".
I am learning that life can and often does get the best of me, and I am expected by the infinite threads of the universe to smile and laugh through it. That I have the power to CHOOSE my next action and behavior. That those choices should include: meditation. Prayer. and CHOOSING "happy"
I am learning how not to be an interrogator to his aloof. how not to fall into poor-me and aloof when interacting with him.
I am learning that I need to stop myself from focusing on his behaviors and feelings and neglecting or discrediting my own.
I am learning to stop trying to control the situations. To keep my own inner source of energy and not let myself be cut off from that.
I am learning to let go of attachment and expectation of a specific outcome of my interactions with him and others.
I am learning not to expect him to satisfy my energy needs-that it is my responsibility and duty to stay connected and exchanging energy with the universe that I can then give freely and unconditionally back to him and others.
I am learning self-acceptance, to release the constant flow of negative thoughts that streams through my mind. To ask for support from the universe without expecting someone else to take care of me.
_________________________________________________________________________________
My classroom is blanketed with thick, crisp green blades that bend underfoot,
only to erect themselves again as they reach toward the heavens,
as if they touch the ocean of blue silk with each of their tips.

It envelopes me in a myriad of color;
from the thousands of subtly differing hues of lush green
that glows on the maple leaves, pine needles, ferns, nettles and forest undergrowth,
to the blood red fingers of the serated lace leaf maples.
The creamy yellow of the buttercup and the curious orange of the unripe berries.

It entrances me with the sounds of birdsong and bullfrogs,
the buzz of wasps and mosquitos and the hum of the tiny wings beating frantically
as the humming birds zip through the air to snag a quick sip of sugar water from the feeder.

My teachers are the sunlight bathing me in its rays,
the trees themselves speak softly in my ears as their branches rustle ever-so-lightly
and the energy of their roots vibrates up through my feet.
The birds teach me in their song; so sweet to my ears,
in their flight; so graceful and effortless.

At dark, I am wrapped in the moonlight's great magickal embrace
and am replenished and recharged,
feeling the silvery smooth satiny flow of energy engulfing my heart
and mending the wounds and pains of the day.
The stars beckon to my gaze,
come away to a faraway place,
rest your wary eyes and drift up to feel our tender kiss,
a mere tingle of my skin and I am washed of my mortal body's flaw.

Tomorrow holds no promises of ease, of wealth, of a lack of trials and obstacles.
Tomorrow offers no relief of the ache in my heart or the weight on my mind.
But tomorrow is another day,
and who is to say I will not find these things that I seek,
as I wander through my classroom
asking questions of my many teachers and listening intently
for the whisper of their response.
 
 
 
**-~Orange soda~-**
26 May 2009 @ 09:29 pm
My life isn't and is where it should be right now. I get the feeling some days and certain times that I am exactly where I should be right now. And others I am left wanting, the things I don't have that I feel I should have accomplished already, or long to have done by now.

I feel almost as if I am where I should be, but a part of me is missing from this place, a part that was supposed to be here to complete the picture, that just didn't make it on time.

sigh.

I don't know and I don't make any sense, I haven't been able to make sense of my thoughts for the past few days. I don't know what to do with them.

I am just trying to make it through it...and come out the other side with my sanity still somewhat intact.
 
 
**-~Orange soda~-**
25 April 2009 @ 09:29 pm
life has been chaos. A hundred-mile-an-hour-whirlwind of things coming at me. Some of it good, some of it bad and some of it just was. Its not over yet there are still obstacles to overcome and things to do and work out and people and places to see and meet and explore.

I am moving at the end of the month. This will be interesting. It holds a lot of anxiety and excitement for me. Moving on to a new place and adventure. Trying my hand at co-habitating again, even if only temporarily. That may be very stressful or it may be wonderful. Figuring out and settling in to a new place will be a challenge. Especially one that doesn't have room for all of my stuff. Tiber and Kazi adjusting to a new lifestyle will be a challenge as well. The anxiety of the act of moving itself is overwhelming but bearable all at the same time.

Things with new people in my life are going well, everything seems to iron itself out and nothing about it seems too daunting right now. I'm happy and I smile and I focus on the bright side of things. Sometimes that is a challenge, it probably always will be for me. I hope I can continue to conquer it. The butterflies are still there and the heart-smile.

I'm being the person that I used to be and remember being and now that I'm in that space again I wonder how I ever got off the path and where I turned in to that cold, withdrawn me that I've been for far too long it seems. I'm reaching out and trying to help good people who may not be my best friend but they mean something to someone I care a great deal about and my loyalties as a friend extend to friends of those I care about and that's how it should be.
I get to spend my weekends with two amazing little girls who have the world at their fingertips and a solid ground of support at their feet. I can't begin to say how excited I am that I get this privilege while extending my hand as a favor to a friend I hardly know.

I would say also that friendships with people I have been through hell with have also improved with my overall mood.
Some people in my life have been acting in a very disappointing and upsetting way as of late, their character has revealed them as much different than I had thought. This part makes me sad and concerned for them and just in general.
I still wish only good befall any and all of them.
I find myself missing someone from my past who seems to float back into my thoughts at the most unexpected times.

I am learning and growing emotionally and mentally in my current situation, each day seems to present me with a new epiphany or revelation. I feel like my path is right, I am where I should be and I can't fathom where tomorrow might take me.

Work has been up and down, stressful and inconsistent. I hope it improves, if it doesn't I will trudge on through the muck and the mud and rise in spite of it all. Hopefully there are friends to help me along the way, if not it will be a much tougher battle to face by my lonesome.

My life is on another one of those cusps of change where everything seems to just explode and fall to millions of tiny specs of dust drifting in the breeze. These sorts of times always seem to propel me forward into something I should be moving toward so I welcome the instability and uncertainty, but, it seems, with a reluctant heart and mind that want to resist at every step for fear of change. Fear is a monster that has always ridden on my back, white-knuckles holding tight to the shore before the plunge into that deep dark cool water of change. Even typing about it makes my heart race and beat up into my throat, my mind frantic with thoughts, possibilities, fears, worries, hopes and options, my hands shaky and my body tense. But one thing constant is change....it is something I must face over and over again and will teach myself to welcome.

Anyways, I'm ramble-y and tired and in an unfamiliar place. There is nothing I want more than a sense of calm. calm quiet, no harassing messages, no frustration, no fear or anxiety...just calm...calm and happy. That is what I'm working toward and the choices I make are to move me toward that. Some of these choices may leave others wishing and unfortunately some of them may leave others hurt. Nothing is personal and every one of us is striving to do the best we can in life and do right by it. We don't go into it thinking we will hurt someone or make anyone else struggle on their journey, but those interactions and the ones leaving us on the receiving end of that stick are all just part of the quest right? be well and take care...everyone. Peace.
 
 
**-~Orange soda~-**
24 March 2009 @ 10:06 pm
I wish I didn't have to feel guilty about turning down work just so I can have ONE day off in a week of trainings and crazy work schedules and minimal down time and time with my _________ and friends.
But I DO feel guilty because 1: I feel like I should be taking ANYthing offered to me in the way of hours right now just in case next week or the one after that doesn't have ANYthing to offer. I am not in a financial position to be turning down hours being offered to me that could ensure I have a little money in the bank...for things like MOVING IN A COUPLE MONTHS....which requires funds that I'm going to have to pull out of my ASS because I don't ever have the amount required by most places on move-in (deposits, pet deposits, fist and last months rent, utilities, etc) at ANY one time, even when I don't need it and its excess....let alone when I need it most.
2: I feel horrible about turning down work to the nanny connection when I KNOW they are so frustrated and on the verge of dumping me on my ass because I have been so inconsistent.

sigh.

The only reason this is bothering me as much as it is tonight is because my energy is so low from the long day of work and from all of my crazy bodily goings-on.....fatigue, mild and random onset flashes of nausea (which only begin occurring after about lunchtime I've discovered and are exacerbated by eating it seems), gas and mild heartburn/indigestion. hmpf. most likely my latest bout of what my body feels like dolling out as PMS symptoms for the month...just to spite me... double hmpf.
 
 
**-~Orange soda~-**
06 March 2009 @ 08:38 am
"It is now more than 60 years after the Second World War in Europe ended This e-mail is being sent as a memorial chain, in memory of the six million Jews, 20 million Russians, 10 million Christians and 1,900 Catholic priests who were murdered, massacred, raped, burned, starved and humiliated with the German and Russian Peoples looking the other way!"

I got this in a silly chain email from my mom....well the email itself wasn't silly it was about the holocaust and it was very moving. But I read this part and I wondered to myself....based on these numbers, how is it that the holocaust is taught to children with a focus on the fact that they killed Jews....I mean, 20 million Russians were killed, 10 million Christians....and only 6 million (not to discount the importance or massiveness of 6 MILLION, but in respects to the rest of the stats I mean) Jews...yet we are taught that this was an atrocity committed against the Jews.

I know its more complicated than that, they had all the shit rain down on them and all of that, but to me, clearly it wasn't JUST about them and I think all the others (probably the gays handicapped elderly etc and the people who resisted) deserve equal recognition for their suffering and humiliation etc etc.....

dont they?
 
 
**-~Orange soda~-**
03 March 2009 @ 07:09 pm
ugh my fucking cat is REALLY pissing me off.....she insists on eating baby cat's food EVERY time I let her out of the room, I don't want to keep her locked up and I don't want to have my door closed ALL the time....but she does it every time....I have been chasing her with a squirt bottle but that doesn't seem to deter her AT ALL....and she can hear when I'm getting up and coming out and she knows she's not supposed to be up there so she just jumps down and hides under the table every time....this wouldnt be such a huge fucking deal if eating this food didn't cause her to, without fail, puke up nasty vomit and hairballs EVERY time....I could place money on it that when she eats that food and I leave for the day or the night when I come back there will be a big nasty pile either in the middle of the floor, or her new favorite place to do it is in the middle of my FUCKING bed. She is really testing my patience with owning a cat. She is making me wonder if I want to continue owning a cat.....this is on top of all the cat hair ALL OVER my bed. sigh. Owning a cat isn't as appealing as it used to be. I feel bad because sometimes I consider getting rid of her...and don't get me wrong I love Kazi and she's adorable but god damn it I am so sick of owning a cat. sigh.